Monday, March 14, 2011

Me and my new-fangled doo-hicky gizmo whats-it-ma-called thingy

Once again I shall attempt to entertain you while I prattle on about whatever is in my head at this moment. Most people blog about very specific things that seem interesting. I on the other hand choose to go on about whatever topic amuses me at this very moment as I poorly type this out. All the while doing what I can to butcher the English language, destroy all hopes of proper grammar and throw in whatever spelling errors seem funny. Heh…. teh… I love that one.

It may surprise most of you but I do in fact enjoy reading. A lot! A sci-fi something here, and fantasy there, a few classics for good measure topped off with some useless comic books about super powered people in very tight costumes. I like me some Harry Potter, some Dan Brown, give me some Stephan King and maybe an Amanda Hocking from time to time just because she’s from Minnesota. But over time my love of written word had slowed down as my extreme love for all things video game took hold as I have spent the last year looking for a new job.

Recently that has changed though! Not the job, I still have none… stupid work force not seeing my obvious brilliance! Recently with much thanks to my wonderful woman also know as “the wife” I am now the proud owner of the Amazon Kindle. I say proud like its my first born playing her cello on stage, or like its my youngest putting on some goofy performance in front of a bunch of strangers not realizing they are there watching her. No its more like proud to have some new-fangled gadget to help increase my status as a geek in today’s pop culture. Let’s face it the only cool we recognize these days are the geeks and nerds that have all the cool stuff, money, and somehow score the super models even though they still live in mom’s basement.

The Kindle. A simple thing really. It can hardly be considered fancy tech when you have those iPod thingys and iPad doo-hickys and iEveryThingElseMadeByAppleThatWeAllGoCrazyOver. In its own right though, it is remarkable for it is simple… easy… almost sexy for it knows what it is. It knows you want it even when you say you don’t. And it can hold over 3,000 of your favorite and soon to be favorite books. I love it for I don’t have to keeping making trips to sell off books before they over run my house. Nor will I have to re-buy the books a year latter when I realized, “Wait! I want to read that again, why the hell did I sell it?!” I can buy all the books I want thanks to this doo-dad and store them all in the nice confines of my new digital library.

Things you can do with your Kindle: You can travel to new worlds, explore history, chase down the bad guys or even smack around a few good ones. You can go on an epic quest, cheer on some over dramatic kid flying around on a broom or even puke in your mouth a little bit as you tell yourself, “Yeah… that stupid cat may cave in and eat green eggs and ham, but I’m sure as hell not going to give myself food poisoning just because some whatever the heck that guy is tells me to do so with clever rhymes.”

What you can’t do with your Kindle: You can’t put it in your pocket and sit down.  It doesn’t work out well. Your leg sort of shoots out straight like the whole thing is made out of wood or something… you end up doing some strange sort of flopping to one side maneuver throwing one hip down and one hip up trying to recover some bit of dignity while attempting to NOT break the kindle… it just doesn’t end well for you. It ends great for them damn laughing teenagers already downloading the video on to YouTube, but not for you. Nope… stupid kids…

A lot of people tell me, “I would never get one of those Kindle thing-a-ma-whats-its for I need to feel the paper from the rainforest that died to make my slutty romance novel in my hands! I need the smell of the pages, the dust that makes me sneeze and look of the finger print stains on the pages while I eat some cheetoes as I read. Nope! I will never own a Kindle!” Okay they might not say all of that, I just assume that’s what they mean since its what I use to do. But you get the idea. For those people I say read on. To those who thing eReaders like the Kindle will put an end to paper books, I say no worries… the Internet might have already done that.

Books will always have their place, though years from now I see kids sitting down at a table somewhere staring at some gadget watching TV or playing games, or blogging and what not when suddenly one of them puts the gizmo down and opens up their bag. They open it and pull out something that seems all so new and strange. It will make the others turn their heads to look eagerly at it with such jealous wonderment that you will hear angels singing from the sky, birds chirping happy tunes and people like Steve Jobs and Bill Gates rolling over in there century old graves. A light will shine down on this young person as they pull out this odd thing made of paper. Strange symbols printed on it which form words and bound together in leather and glue. He sets this wonderful new crazy thing down on the table and his envious friends will turn to him and ask, “What is it?” he will smile and say, “It’s a book.” They will “ooo” and “ahhh” Someone will lean in for a closer look and ask. “What do you do with it?” This person will look his friends in the eyes to make sure they are all paying attention, he will open it wide and explain with vigor and wonder, “You boldly go where no one has gone before… you read it.” And as his friends stand to cheer this new and great creation, he will begin to read it out loud so that all can embrace the sheer joy that is a BOOK! And he reads, “I will not eat them here, or there, I will not eat them anywhere! I don’t not like green eggs and ham, I do not Sam I am!!”

“Whoa… that’s deep man” some kid will say next to him.

“Stupid kids…” some old guy on a bench behind them will mumble to himself.

You didn’t ask what was on my mind, but I told you anyway.


Monday, January 3, 2011

Hello 2011!

In this new year I charge my self to post in this here blog on a more regular basis of some kind. I also plan on my continuing butchering of grammar and the English language just because of my simple belief that such things should only be used by those who know NOT what they are doing. Those who do are just a bunch of know-it-all's and will no doubt be the first to be eaten when the zombie apocalypse comes for us all. I plan on hiding behind a hole bunch of out of shape nerds when the zombies come before using my beloved stock of shotgun ammunition.

I make this resolution knowing darn right I don't have to keep it. Mainly because I think it's some sort of rule to throw away your New Years resolutions once you don't feel like it anymore. I assume this to be true being that the rest of the world says we are the fattest country among them all. Little do they know that it is not because all Americans are lazy and eat too much McDonald's. Oh no sir! It is do to the fact we eat our zombies before they eat us! Why do you look so surprised to hear this? Oh I get it, you don't believe me. 

Well let me ask you this...

Have you ever see a member of the un-dead wondering around outside looking for brains? No? Well have you ever seen a big fat dude? Yes? I rest my case...

So go out there, kill some grammar and eat some zombies! Remember to bring BBQ sauce, it helps!

You didn't ask what was on my mind, but I told you anyway...

Happy New Year!


Monday, June 14, 2010

Little kid smack down!

Over the weekend the family and I got to see the all new Karate Kid movie with that Jade Smith kid and Mr. Jackie Chan. Though I will always be a fan of the original version, this was by far a great remake! I'm not going to go into details here so no worries of spoilers, but darn it all if the new version wasn't far more entertaining.

With that said I have to get into one thing about the movie. When you have little kids as action stars there's one thing you know you don't have... little kid look a like stunt men! Jaden and all the other little kids in this movie were doing some heavy kung-fu stunts man! So well you couldn't help but wonder of few times, "Where the heck is that kid's parent! He's getting his backside handed to him!" It looked painful watching Jaden get the smack down by the bully's in the film. And I mean PAINFUL. He spends a good chuck of the film getting smack around in ways that would make the original karate kid jump back and say, "Screw it ma! I'll walk back to Fresno with out you!" No flying crane kick is going to save this kid! Heck the training they show poor Jaden Smith go though in the film made me want to head over to China and smack his mother and say, "Get your kid out of CHINA!"  

I'm sorry but as a parent, if you see that your child has a freak ninja bully problem and needs to learn how to be some kind of ninja Rambo to deal with it... MOVE OUT OF CHINA! Or at the very least call the ream Rambo to fix it for him. Jaden was learning moves and doing stunts that might have had Jackie Chan in the background going, "Glad I'm not doing that." it just looked painful.

Then you get to the final fight scene... same deal as the original. You got one move, if you can't do it your toast. If you pull it off then all the glory, money, women, action figures, sequels and so forth are all yours for the taking! Little J Smith (as I've grown to call him) pulled of a move that had everyone in the theater on their feet screaming with such joy a full fledge marching band suddenly burst through the room, balloons were let loose, and sailors started kissing the ladies! 

Jaden Smith... nice going kid! That was some big time acting, action, and good times! I'll be waiting for his next film eagerly.

People, listen well to your pal "The Drew" - go see this movie! I don't care if you like movies or not. I don't care if you like the first Karate Kid movie or not. Get out there and see this! It was freakin nice! 

Now I need to find some time to go see that A-Team movie. It doesn't matter to me if its good or not. It's A-Team. I will already like it even if it sucks. That's just how I roll with certain things. And I pity the fool that can't roll with that while sporting a mow-hawk and gold chains! Heh...

You didn't ask what was on my mind, but I told you anyway...


Wednesday, June 2, 2010

My bicycle.

As a child, (don't worry they won't all be stories of my youth) I loved to get on my bike and ride. I'd pedal my little heart out all over the place. This was always great for me, painful for my family.

In the beginning I had a cool black and orange bike with training wheels. At first they seemed like a crutch holding me back until the day I discovered how you could get stuck on the curb at the end of the driveway and turn the bike into a stationary bike. For some reason I found this very amusing and entertaining for a long time... well until I discovered you could put a pile of dirt under the back tire when doing this and create a fun messy dust cloud. This was the best ever until the joy of what happens when that pile of dirt is actually mud! 

Then the day came that the training wheels came off. No my mom and dad didn't decide I was ready and take them off for me. I saw a wrench and thought, "Hey, I wonder what it's like to NOT have them one my bike!" several hours later my family is combing the quite suburb where I grew up for a little kid tearing through the place like a bird let out of a cage. I was free baby! Free to ride like the wind! Free to explore the streets and see just what kind of action this town had. Granted I was like 4 or 5 years old at the time, but man I was ready to see the world!

Starting that day and for the next few years there was a pattern. I would run out, get on my bike and many hours later my brother would find me at some kids house many streets away from where I was suppose to be. All the time my mom would turn to him and say, "Go get your friends and find out where he is today!" They figured I was lost or something, I knew how to get back home! I just  made the mistake of not keeping track of time and not heading home before the dogs where let loose to bring me in. It was just all so exciting! All the different houses and all the new kids to meet and play with! Each day I had no idea where the open road would take me but there was a new adventure every time! Well, until the hail storm...

The last time I can remember venturing out and failing to come home on time, my brother was once again sent out to find me. I had no idea how he came across me that day for I was pretty far out. He told me in so many words to get backside home before our mother permanently...uh... well you get the idea. I was in deep that day. Well I said good bye to new friends and then it started to rain. My brother harped about biking as fast as we could. Then the wind picked up and it felt like pedaling the bike meant nothing for forward momentum. And if painful large rain drops and high winds weren't enough (while being in big trouble for I was more worried about facing mom than whatever the sky was doing that day) it started to hail! I could barely see my brother racing down the street in front of me, though I could hear him yelling out a string of profanities that would make a drunken sailor blush just fine. Until that moment I didn't think pain was a real thing. I mean I got hurt lots of times before that day but normally I would shake it off and go back to what I was doing. Biking in a hail storm was probably the only time in my life pain out did the need to crack jokes at everything. (To people who know me, this is a big thing!) Needless to say we got the sh** smacked out of us, over and over and over. Oh sure... we could have stopped and hid under a tree or something until it passed, but we both knew something more powerful than mother nature beating us like a drum... we knew mom was mad and waiting! Would I ever ride my bike through a hail storm ever again? Heck no! That's got to be the dumbest thing anyone could do. Would I do it if my mother was ticked off and expecting me to magically appear no matter what? In a heart beat! She's a little Italian woman! And no one can yell like little Italian women! I'll take the hail over that any day.

It was really not a surprise when the hail stopped and the sun came out the same moment we got home. Of course it did. Mother nature probably saw the look on my mother's face and decided to back off until my mom cooled off! I can't remember just what was said, it seemed more like a large dinosaur screaming at the time. But I do remember being a heck of a lot better at getting home on my own after that. 

But did that stop me from my adventures? Heh...

Me and my bike continued to tear up the roads after that. It has always been me and my bike VS the world out there! All the times I would challenge other kids to races and laughed all the way across the finish line yelling back at the losers, "Did you forget how to pedal that thing?" All the times I would tell some bully just how stupid he was just so I could laugh at how frustrated he was at not being able to catch up to me. All the times they would set up traps to catch me and I on my trusty steed would zoom on through with lighting quickness!

As I got older I got more daring, doing bike tricks and jumping off stuff, over stuff, through stuff... 

I got my first ten speed from a friend of mine and began racing long distances around the big park reserve that we lived by like I was on some cross country race. At fifteen I got my permit to start learning how to drive, by sixteen I was choosing riding my bike over getting my drivers license because if I couldn't bike there, then it wasn't worth going. I would bike the long distance to my first real job at a restaurant.  Heck when I graduated school, some people got cars, I got a new bike!

Almost a year after high school my folks got me my first car. It was beat down and rusty but it was a thing of beauty! Suddenly I didn't know what a bike was... it remained set aside for years.

Now I'm in my thirties. Married with two great kids. My bike, not holding up so well as we all start doing family bike rides to get back in to shape. Driving a car for all those years apparently has left me more round than I used to be with the kung-fu grip of a new born child! Stupid muscles! With my bike in poor condition (amazing how it can break down from LACK of use) the wife and I buy ourselves new bikes!

The new bike is a thing of beauty. Riding it is like being that little kid throwing off the training wheels for the first time! Once again I'm free! Free to tear down the roads of this town just to see where the wind will take me! That little hell-raiser on two wheels is back!

That was two weeks ago...

Today, my legs are killing me! It's hard to walk up and down stairs for my knees are too weak to want to. Advil is my closest friend... Stupid old body...

So now I'm off to pop some more Advil, argue with my legs that they will be used again and they can whine all they want too. My bike is calling me! I've biked through hail storms! I've lived though the yelling Italian dinosaur! My bitchy stiff sore legs will just have to deal with it because I got a bike to ride, and I can't wait to see where it takes me this time!

Gah! My legs really hurt... maybe my bike will call me after I soak in a hot bath... stupid whiny legs...

You didn't ask what was on my mind, but I told you anyway.


Friday, May 28, 2010

T-Ball is a cruel sport

As a child I did a great many things. I was one of those kids that had to be doing something all the time or you would feel the wrath of my gigantic boredom. Oh the wrath I would bring down... My mother to this day still likes to remind me of how much trouble I was. It always makes me smile. 
Keeping me busy was always a goal to my mother. In the early days she would sign me up for things. One such thing was T-ball. In itself, T-ball seems like something fun. You get to hit something (and who doesn't like to do that?) and you get to run around screaming as loud as you want. When I was a child no one cared if you actually knew how to play, or if you won a game. Frankly no one kept score accept for those dad's on the sidelines taking bets as a way to pass the extreme boredom they felt having to be there.
I naturally assumed that I would be great at T-ball. After all I was in fact the fastest runner, could jump my bike off of anything and was already on my way to being a video gaming great! So I figured of course I was a T-ball super star.
The coach would look at the players on the team and ask them questions to find out where on the field they should put them. You know, tough questions such as, "Do you know what a ball is? Doesn't it scare you? You get to be in the infield. Can you run really fast? Can you run without tripping over your feet? You get to be in the outfield." I was the smallest kid on the team so the coach got a kick out of making me the shortstop. A position I just didn't understand at all. I mean, I get to stand in the dirt part of the field with the other guys instead of way back in the middle of grassy nowhere, and yet... I don't get a cushy base to sit on! What's up with that?
Now in T-ball, the idea of an outfielder seems cruel. When is the ball ever going to go back there? The three poor kids that got sent back there normally spent their time laying in the grass, ripping up hand fulls of the stuff to fill their hat with, just to dump it out and start all over. Those of us in the infield lived in a state of panic! What if the ball actually came to us? What were we supposed to do? For those stupid kids that got cushy bases to sit on, they had the excuse of, "Well I can't leave my base! What if someone takes it?" I on the other hand had no base therefore realized that I would have to go get the darn ball every time some kid hit the stupid thing. Oh great! As the shortstop, I get to play ball retriever for the whole stupid game! I must admit though I got pretty good at it. The ball would get hit, I would chase it down, and bring it back to the "T" at home base. The grown ups would try to trick me into throwing it somewhere else, but I knew better. The next guy can't hit the ball if its not back on the "T". Stupid grown-ups...
After we watched each member of the other team hit the ball a bunch of times, (each kid got 3 to 5 turns at bat) the coach's on both teams decided it was probably about time to just change sides so our team could get to hit it a few times too.  SWEET! Finally I will get to hit something with a big stick! My true calling in life was about to be seen by the world! 
First of all, to get to my turn took a really long time. Apparently its really hard to swing the stick at a stationary ball at eye level for most kids on the team. And for some reason, when the ball was hit some kid on the other team would grab it and tag one of my team members with it and this creepy guy in black would scream, "You're out!" The game seem to change just because our team was now hitting! I would yell at the other team trying to let them know they are supposed to return the ball so the next guy could hit it but they didn't seem interested. How that many dumb kids got on the same team is beyond me!
Just before it was my turn to smack that ball, we had to change sides. What the...? Not everyone on my team got to hit it yet and it was supposed to be my turn next! Jerks... Well I spent some more time retrieving the ball for the other team and setting it back on the stand for the next guy to hit. And after everyone on the other team got a bunch of turns the coach's decided to switch sides again. Finally! Now is my chance to shine!
With my stick in hand I was ready to go!
At home plate I'm starting to realized just how cruel this game can be. After all I was short, this meant I was looking up at the ball on the stand. The other thing I realized is how cruel it is to have that poor kid standing on the pitchers mound. Not only does he not get to throw the ball like in real baseball, but he has to run for cover whenever the T stand comes flying at him instead of the ball. After I nailed the kid three times with the stand the coach on the other team finally told that poor kid he could sit out.
Now the way is clear and my coach told me I could have one more try to hit the ball and hit that sucker I was going to do no matter what! My eyes close as I swing the bat, I couldn't bare to witness the crushing blow that poor ball was about to feel as the wind from my swinging bat shook the ground and moved trees! My mighty bat comes around just missing the top of the ball but lucky for me that the great force of wind I was generating was enough to move the ball forward. See I knew I would be great at this! I was so good I didn't even have to hit it! Out of fear the ball jumped forward! Granted it was a few inches in front of me but I like to think it was so scared it felt it had no choice but to jump for it.
The bat came around and I twisted down to the ground seeing the ball slowly roll a few more inches in front of me. The people in the crowd scream out, "Run for the base! RUNNNNNNNNN!" I dash to my feet throwing the bat out of my way! It turns out that poor kid I hit with the stand was safer on the pitchers mound! I'm pretty sure to this day, that kid never played another sport again. 
Running as fast as I could I reach a base. The crowd is screaming at me. Apparently it matters which base you run to first. In my defense they didn't really say what base to run too. The crowd should have been more specific. So as I run across the infield from Third to First, the first basemen ran to get get the ball. He picks it up and throws it towards first base. He must have forgotten that he wasn't on first anymore for he wasn't there to catch it! I get to first and sit down on the base. Wow, these bases really are soft and cushy! The crowd is screaming for me to run to another base while other people are yelling at the kids in the outfield to go get the ball. It landed right next to one kid who's hat was filled with grass. He panic, threw on his hat and dove for a ball he could no longer see due to all the grass now in his eyes. I get to second, nope... first base was softer, I should have stayed there. 
Another kid gets the ball and proceeds to run it at me! My coach is telling me to stay there because I'm safe. I'm not stupid, that kid is running at me with the ball! I'm not hanging around to find out just what he's going to do with it so I run for the pitchers mound! The crowd which seemed to be on my side was yelling for me to go to third base. After running a circle around the pitchers mound to avoid the crazy kid with the ball I head to third. Crazy kid finally gets the bright idea to throw it to someone else on his team. Not to the third base kid, he was sitting on the base enjoying its cushyness (I made that word up) and looking really shocked that I was running at him. No, crazy kid throws the ball to the short stop who stands in awe that he caught it. He was so proud that he caught the ball that he wanted to run over to his dad and show it to him. As for me, I had to struggle a bit with the kid on third base for me didn't want to share it. After finally getting him off I sat down happy once again... hold on... nope... first base was softer. I should have stayed there. 
The crowd, now on their feet and freaking out in ways I can hardly understand, are shouting as loud as they can for me to run home. Sweet! Finally something I want to do!
I'm on my feet and dashing across the dirt! Like a cheetah I'm across the grass of the outfield and leaping over a kid still laying in the grass wondering when he can go hit a ball again. I'm at the back fence and over it with the greatest of ease. I'm cutting across the backyard of the guy with the sign, "Any ball that is in my yard is now mine!" I'm sprinting down the street, I can hear the faint sounds of the yelling crowd shouting something about coming back. I cut across another yard over a fence and THEY GOT A DOG! With sharp teeth snapping at my back side I'm over the next fence and suddenly in a back yard pool! I'm jumping out of the water I'm over another fence and dash down the next street. I cut through the tall un-mowed yard of the crazy old guy always throwing things at kids who keep running through his yard. I take a hit by a plastic cup but it can't phase me! I must do this for the crowd of cheering fans! I'm getting closer now, after jumping three more fences and two more near misses by attacking dogs I can see my house! I'm up the drive way and SAFE AT HOME!
I do a little dance and cheer at my great accomplishment! Never in the history of the game has anyone done such a wonderful thing! I would got down in the history books as the greatest player to ever... wait, my mom is driving up in the car. She gets out looking rather mad, "What the heck has gotten into you! Get your butt in this car so we can finish the game! Why are you all wet? have you lost your mind? Wait until your dad gets home!"
What can I say, parents just never see greatness when it happens. 

You didn't ask what was on my mind, but I told you anyway...


Thursday, May 27, 2010

In the beginning...

In the beginning there was nothing. You would think there must have been something there but nope, you are wrong. There was nothing at all. Then out of nowhere, nothing did something and then there was stuff all over the place! From nothing at all we suddenly get stars and rocks, and atoms, cells, planets, and some guy named Bob!  We can't fathom just how the heck we go from nothing to all these things but there we have it, nothing and then lots of stuff. We can't imagine it yet we have witness this amazing wonderment of something from nothing all the time. You may not have noticed it but its here, there, and everywhere around you! Parents look at a child in a vegetative state in front of the TV, there's nothing going on in the head of that child. Not at that moment anyway. But then the parent will say something like, "It's lunch time!" and suddenly this child bursts into life! A mind filled with nothing is suddenly filled with the thought of food! Something from nothing! 

Okay, you might think I'm pulling your leg here. I claim it to be true! You can ask that child while they watch that TV, "Hey kid, what are you thinking?" and they will tell you, "Nothing..." You tell them there is pizza and watch as the nothing turns into, "Pizza! Oh man I've been thinking about having pizza all day!" Something from nothing.

You look at a TV and think, "There's nothing on." even though you have press the magic button which has supplied power to this box fill with nothing and somehow still have nothing! As you press more buttons and change from one nothing to another, suddenly your eye catches something! It fills your brain with joy and excitement! You say out loud, "I guess I'll watch this." Just a moment ago you claimed there was nothing there and then this magic box suddenly gives you something!

People will drive their car. They will take a really quick look before they turn and think, "Nope, nothing is there." and proceed to "punch it". As if like magic, a car smacks right into them! Where they saw nothing, someone else saw some stupid jerk named Bob pull out in front of them. Again, something from nothing.

There is something very strange to all of this something from nothing business though. I have realized that you can also have something to nothing! I know! Mind blowing isn't it? How the heck can you have nothing, turn into something, and then back to nothing? Let me explain...

I sit at my desk at home and turn to look at my video game library. At one point there was something there. It was once filled with video gaming bliss! Now I look at that same library of games and think, "There is nothing there." sad... I know... very sad. What was once something, turned to nothing right before my eyes! Now my wife will look at this same spot in the office and say, "What are you talking about, you have like a hundred games there, pick something and play it!" Where I am sure there is nothing there anymore, she is more sure that there is something in fact there. I assume she is suffering from some sort of break down, after all the mind does boggle at the idea of something from nothing or something to nothing. It can be hard to deal with. So I attempt to go to the gaming store in order for something to be in my library of games again, but the wife proceeds to tell me about how there is nothing in my wallet and the reason for that is do to all the "somethings" that are on the shelves of my gaming library. And how it will be a cold day in some sort of scary place before I spend more of the nothing in my wallet to make something magically appear on my gaming shelves. I then look at my video game library and suddenly, as if by magic, its filled with all sorts of stuff! Wow! My wife was able to over come something turned to nothing by making it something again! 

So as I gaze at my video game library that magically re-appeared in front of me by the god like powers of my wife. I think about the universe and how there was once nothing, then suddenly there was all kinds of something everywhere and as long as I have my wife at my side there will ALWAYS be something there. It sure does put my mind at ease.

You didn't ask what was on my mind, but I told you anyway...